The Good, the Bad, and just plain life

As much as it is my intention to write more than once a month it never seems to happen. I still am unable to download picture onto my computer and so my blogs are pictureless, which makes me sad. We made it to the family reunion where all of the first cousins came together for the very first time. The last time was in 1980 before my sister was born. I was nice to see everyone and meet my little second cousins for the first time. The next trip is back to Durango for a wedding of a good friend on the Fourth. I am actually in the wedding and so have this and that I have to go to. We will see how Rusty and Blake do with all the festivities. I got to spend some good time with my mom and sister. My mom came for about two weeks and Becky has been here for the month of June. I actually was in God's perfect timing that they were here b/c Rusty and I had another miscarriage and it was nice to have them stay with me b/c Rusty had to work. So we watched a bunch of movies. If you think about us we (or maybe I) could use prayer. This is the fourth miscarriage and we are fighting getting discouraged. It is also hard b/c after each one it gets harder to tell people and so you feel more isolated. My body doesn't know if it is coming or going. We know that it is God's perfect timing. I am just feeling weak, beatdown, and not myself. I also know that God is at work and there is a reason for everything and that good will come. But it is hard not to dwell on why and why it has to be so hard for me when others have no issue. Life is not fair and there is not a thing you can do about it.

I Love the Spring, but I love Summer more

Well, with the warmer weather and the green goodness that is on the trees and ground has brought breakthroughs in our life and is a constant reminder that the Lord brings new things and is always good. I finally got all my paperwork to go through and have obtained my counseling license. It was quite a process and feels like more of an accomplishment than I thought it would be. So I am officially a Licensed Professional Counselor. All it means for me is a pay raise, more job obligations and greater opportunity in the future. Rusty has started working for a local ranch full-time. That is a huge blessing. He is loving getting to cowboy and get paid for it. He got a horse and he just ordered his own saddle. The boy is in heaven :) Also, we got to take a trip to visit my aunt and uncle in Cresent City, CA. We took my grandma to be with them to celebrate their 30 wedding aniversary. It was great to see different county and to get out of dodge for a while. The highlight was seeing a seal in the ocean, the Redwood trees, and my uncle playing his autoharp in his Boondock Band. I realized that this is one of the first trips that I have taken that I was really ready to come home. Usually I just want to stay where I am. It was a nice feeling to feel like home was a place I wanted to come back to. Things we are looking foward to are: getting together with my family the first weekend of June in Durango, my sister coming to stay with my local grandma for a few weeks and having her for a good chunk of time, and of course any outside activities we can squeeze in.

Not much happening

I have to say that there has not been much happening as of late. Rusty is still working out on the ranch and yet to get paid for anything. He has his up and downs with regards to that. He is really trying to start a business with his friend training horses for people. I am still working on getting my licensure stuff through the system so that I can get a raise. So that is the financial end. Still struggling :( Some highlights from the last month have been that we got to see some relatives from my side that I had never met and had a really good visit with them. We are looking forward to next month taking my grandma to Northern California for my aunt and uncles anniversary. They are planning to renew their vows. It should be a beautiful drive and nice to get away for a bit. We are very thankful for Spring but it feels like Winter currently. It snowed yesterday. I hope that the cold goes away soon! Anyway, that is all for know.

Cowboy

Well the latest is that Rusty is working part time for a ranch building fence. He is also getting to ride horses and other ranch hand stuff. He is enjoying it but unfortunately it is sporatic work and not full time but it is something. He is getting to wear his boots and all his "cowboy" gear and is thrilled. His finger has healed up nicely and thankfully we qualified for indigent at the hospital and was able to pay for the ER visit without going broke. Other than that we are surviving. My dad came to visit over the weekend and so we enjoyed time with him and watching movies. I do love to watch movies. We watched Appaloosa, Swing Vote, Fireproof, and Righteous Kill. Also watched Comanche Moon, Lonesome Dove, and Maclintoch. It was cute on Valentine's day Rusty and I celebrated two years together (b/c our first date was lunch on V-day). We went to the restaurant where we had our first date and the girl remembered that it was our anniversary and had us sit in the same spot we did two years ago. It was funny. That is all for now...more later..

What Next...

Not too much has changed with us. Rusty is still unemployed and looking but there is just not anything out there at this time. I am hoping that with Spring on the way and the inaugeration over that things might pick up or something will change. Last week, Rusty was building a campbox for a friend and cut a chunk of his left index finger off. So we had an ER visit without insurance. Thankfully I think that we will qualify for indigent and get a discount on it but will find out for sure on Friday. I met with the lady about getting Rusty and Blake back on insurance on Monday, but unfortunately it doesn't look like he will be insured again until March. Can I just say that health insurance makes me angry. It is a racket with no regulations and does not serve the people who need it. They just want to rob the ones that don't have health problems and not pay or allow the ones that need it to get it. To have added Rusty to my insurance would have been over a thousand dollars. Ludicrous!!! You know it is so hard to keep taking the hits. It is not hard to believe that God is going to take care of it. It is not hard to believe that God is going to provide. But it is hard not to get beat down by all the little stuff in the mean time. I find that I just want to do nothing. I take that back I want to sleep. I don't have any energy for anything. Poor Rusty is bored out of goard b/c he can't really do anything for another few days. If you think about please it pray for us. Thanks...

The End of 2008

As the end of the year comes and goes, I wonder about this year. In some ways it seems like a blur. I always try to thing about the year and things done. It started out pretty darn stable and it has ended not so much. At the beginning of the year, we were settled in our house, both had desk jobs, and things were flowing pretty smoothly. Rusty got back into Archery. We went to a few shoots and did stuff with other people but it didn't seem super busy. We were going along and then summer hit and things started changing in good ways it seemed at first. Rusty started getting different oppertunities at work. He went on a trip to Montana and things seemed good. Then August hit. My grandfather died and we had some other losses and Rusty had to start working out of town during the week. The fall was nice and mild but Rusty was having more difficulties at work and things were good financially but it was getting more stressful. November we decided to start a remodel on our bathroom. A few weeks after that Rusty was laid off. As I reflect on the year I am just reminded of how little control we have and we cannot trust in this world. All I can think of is the verse that stated that we do not trust in chariots but in the Lord, our God. I also have to think about the word "comfortable". It seems so nice but is it what God wants for us. Does He want us to be comfortable? Does he want us to have it easy? I kind of don't think so. I say that b/c when we are comfortable and things are easy we don't grow as much. We aren't challenged. When I started the Bible study "When I lay my Isaac Down" in the Fall that God was preparing me for stuff that was coming. The kicker is that I think we have only seen the tip of the iceberg in the challenges ahead. I also know that there is a lot of good ahead and a lot of blessings ahead. And in those times that I feel overwhelmed and wondering how much more. I thank God that he is teaching me to rely on Him and His strength, and His provision. Happy New Year, all. And may you trust and depend on God in whatever comes your way this next year.

Life is unpredictable...

Well, the journey of life continues...with this month and last month being no different. Thanksgiving was very interesting with my maternal aunt and uncle coming unexpectedly. The last holiday I had spent with them was about 20 years ago. It was challenging and I had a very bad attitude on a day that I should have been nothing but thankful. But we did beat the storm home and did not have to contend with any bad roads and got back for the homemade turkey and noodles with Rusty's family. December has started with a bang. Rusty got laid off from his job this last week. But the miracle of this is that we are both very peaceful about it. I feel like that God has something better for us and that this may have been the only way for Him to show us. I feel that it is much better for Rusty and already his attitude has become much more positive and I love having him home all the time. So we are just waiting for God to show us where to go and what to do. Because all in all God is our provider not man. As always we could use your prayer for wisdom and discernment in this time of decisions and tight finances during the holiday season. Then on Thursday, we went to a genetic counselor b/c we had a blood test come back showing that I had some funky things going on with my chromosomes. Come to find out I have what it called a balanced translocation where part of my 16 chromosome attached to 18 and part of 18 attached to 16. So what that means is that some of my eggs either are missing some chromosome parts and have too many chromosome parts. This just puts me at higher risk for further miscarriages and also for birth defects if I have a pregnancy go to term. But the genetic counselor made it sound like that we have a good chance of having a healthy pregnancy with no complications. So just pray that Rusty's swimmers find the healthy eggs that have all the right chromosomes. Last, pray that we get our bathroom remodel finished. Right now I have no toilet and no shower. Needless to say we have been spending a lot of time at Rusty's parents :) Love you all and Merry Christmas

Pic of the Fam

Here is a picture of the family. We had a friend come and take family pictures in a park near our house. I think they turned out pretty darn good. Other news, Rusty is still working out of town and has just about hit his limit of dealing with all the crap associated with it. So any prayer of what next for us would be appreciated. I had a whole bunch of blood tests done to see if there was a reason for me having recurrent pregnancy losses and they found that there was something funky happening with my chromosomes. Apparently, instead of splitting identical, one strand has too many on it and another doesn't have enough even though I have all the right things. So we are most likely going to have to go to a Geneticist to see what that means, if anything. On a different note, we started remodeling our bathroom. We are combining the two since they are right next too each other to make one whole bathroom rather than two partial bathrooms. It has become quit the project due to the plaster walls rotting, the floor rotting and no insulation in the walls. So lets just say that demolition is taking a little longer than expected, but I think that the finished product will be nice. I am looking foward to having the sink and the shower in the same room. Oh, and our rescued cat is pregnant, we think. So in the next few weeks or so we could forseeably have kittens. Anybody want one? :) That's all for know, until next time...

Yard Sale of all Yard Sales

Here are some pictures from out trip to Arizona to have a yard sale of my grandfather's and father's stuff. It was set up like an estate sale where everything in the house had a price tag. I want to set the stage for you. St John's Arizona is not a very big town. I maybe has 3000 residents maybe, no modern day emeneties, and two dollar stores. We had the sale on Saturday and Sunday. It was incredible b/c almost everything sold that include polished rocks, petrified wood, trickets, all the furniture, and other miscellaneous items. My dad cleared out the garage that was full of his stuff. Granted we took home some stuff like old home videos, Disney movies, and some of our childhood stuff. Oh, lets not forget a cat that we found also. My aunt and uncle from Texas came to help and my Uncle from Pennsylvania. Rusty and I had the pleasure of driving him to Albequerque to catch his flight home. It was nice to spend some time with him. All in all my dad made 2 grand and so the top picture is the celebration dinner of a successful yard sale and family time together. Oh and an update from last post. I did finally get my house clean with a day of fun watching a pumpkin shoot, going through a corn maze, and picking pumpkins from a pumpkin patch. Thank you Jesus.

You know I have been think about friendships as of late and the stuff that life throws at us. We can not do this life alone but it is so hard to maintain good close friendships. I know that I am having a really hard time with this. I feel like my life is consumed by my job and I spend much of my free time trying to find the energy to do all my "chores" around the house. I can't keep up on anything. I can't keep my house clean. I can't keep up with all the people that I care about. I feel like I am not always there even when I am with my family. Right now I am feeling brain dead. I am fried and I am tired and there is nothing I can do but keep doing what I am doing and pray that I find the energy to do the things that must be done. We cannot survive without human interaction. I realize at this point that I am needing help but I don't know who to ask. Everyone is just as busy as me and can keep on top of stuff. How they do it I don't know. I don't want to harp on my husband b/c he is gone all week working long hours and the last thing I want is for him to be bombarded with chores when he is home on the weekends. All I want to do when I get home is nothing. It takes all the energy that I have to do something. All I want to do in the mornings is sleep two more hours. I do have some friends here but I don't see or talk to them but every other week or once per month. I have a home group but very few we have gotten close to and all super busy. I wish that I had a friend that was a part of my life that I saw on a regular basis and talked to on a regular basis that I know that I could call and ask to come help and I could go help her too. But I don't. So I continue on trying to manage and keep on top of and continue to do the things that have to be done in the hopes of getting to do some things that are fun.

The Happenings...

I have been thinking that I want to write more consistantly but then I am at a loss at times of what to write. Sometimes I feel like not much is happening that others would be interested in even though I feel busy. Let's see in the last few weeks Blake turned five years old and we had a Monster truck theme. He got lots of monster trucks and was thrilled. He displayed them for his mother to see when she came to pick him up. He kept saying "she will be so "purised". My sister has been going through a lot with her ex-boyfriend and having to make some really tough decisions. I have had to use a lot of what I have learned at my job to help her through it. Now I am paranoid about her safety and wishing that she did not live so far away. Our small group started up and we only have one other couple coming but us and I think it is great. To my old small group in Arkansas we are using your model and just going through the Book of Acts and just looking for what we notice and how to apply. I miss you guys!!! I started a Women's Bible Study and we are reading a heavy book about unthinkable circumstances and how to deal with them. The first bummer is that there is a client from where I work in the study. It makes is awkward for me due to keeping confidentiality and maintaining boundaries. The second thing hard about it that in this circumstance I really have to be careful and feel like I need to keep what I do for a living as a secret. Reason #1: b/c it might freak some of the women out and they choose not to share. Reason #2: they will want me to be the counselor. Also, I keep wondering to myself why God has me in that study. I guess time will tell. Rusty has two more weeks of being away during the week. I can't wait to have him home every night again. One praise is that we had some really great neighbors move in and we had them over for dinner last night. I absolutely adore their little three year old daughter that has decided my house is way more fun than hers and pops over whenever she can to play. That brings much joy. That is all for now...

I Am...

I took this from my friend's Sarah's Blog...

I am: a child of God, lover of Jesus, lucky wife, blessed step mom, and always learning
I think: that wisdom doesn't always come with age
I know: that God loves me, my family loves me, and my husband loves me
I want: to be able to give more
I have: many faults that need worked on
I wish: that parents didn't abuse their children
I hate: selfishness
I miss: my husband when he is away on work and my family
I fear: that I may not be able to have children of my own
I feel: very blessed
I hear: the familiar voices of co-workers coming to work
I smell: the lotion I just put on my hands
I crave: something that will make me not feel so tired
I search: for accurate information about the candidates to try and make an informed decision
I wonder: what our world is going to look like at the end of my life time
I regret: making financial decisions that resulted in bad debt
I love: snuggling with my husband
I ache: for the children and adolescents that I see that have no hope for the future
I care: about people and their stories
I always: worry about my weight
I am not: a shopper
I believe: that God is good and that He is in control
I dance: whenever I can, especially when my dad is around
I sing: all the time and when I am not singing, I whistle
I don’t always: do my chores
I fight: when I feel that there is injustice
I write: in my journal when I need to unload and process
I win: hardly ever; thank goodness I am not competitive
I lose: all the time; thank goodness I am not competitive
I never: could make up some of the stuff I hear and see at work
I confuse: my husband on a regular basis
I listen: to a lot of hurt throughout my days
I can usually be found: at work or at home...but not always :)
I am scared: of missing my purpose
I need: help all the time.
I am happy about: getting a reliable vehicle that meets our needs as a family

Hooray for September

Well I am glad that it is September. So far it has been a good three days :) We had a good labor day weekend. My mom and sister and her boyfriend came to visit. We went out to eat, played put-put golf, watched movies and had good discussions. On Labor Day, we had Blake and celebrated Rusty's mom's birthday. I am thankful for extra time that I have had with my sister in the last week. We drove down together to my grandfather's funeral and it was nice to just have sister time and then she stayed with us over the weekend. Rusty and I were blessed to get my grandfather's minivan. It is very nice and an answer to prayer b/c the Bronco was making some suspicious sounds. Rusty only has a couple of more weeks of being gone during the weekdays. I have been passing my time with Olympics and National Conventions. I have to say that this election is very interesting and confusing at the same time. It will definately be a history maker no matter who is elected. I just wish that it wasn't so hard to get accurate information that is not so biased and fake. Anyway, I digress. So I am looking forward in the next few weeks to have my schedule be normal, have time and energy to clean my house, to have our life group start again, get plugged in with a women's group through our church and to have my husband home with me all the time. Happy September!!!

Ready for September

Well the month of August has turned out to be a rough month. Rusty and I had another miscarriage. That was very hard and I missed a week of work. My grandfather passed away on Sunday and my poor dad had to find him. That made me the most sad. And to top it all off, Rusty is going to be gone Monday through Friday for the next four to six weeks for work. As my supervisor stated when it rains it poors. I am trying my best to keep a positive attitude. I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control and he a good, good God. He has a plan and it is a great one and he it going to turn all the hard into things that bring him glory and us good.

Rough Night

Let me start from the beginning. Keifer was our family cat. Rusty had had Keifer for roughy 14 years. He was one of those cats that was a cuddler. He was a big cat and had good vocal cords and would let you know when things were not going his way. He was Rusty's cat until we got married and then he became more my cat. We would snuggle at night and he liked to sleep sprawled on my neck or shoulder or tucked under my arm. Well last night Keifer got sick all of a sudden and then started breathing really heavy. I contacted the on call vet and we were going to just keep an eye on him. Then about fifteen minutes later, Keifer started throwing up blood and so I called my in-laws to come and stay at the house b/c I had Blake and didn't want to wake him up in the middle of the night to take the cat to the vet. So my father-in-law stayed at the house and my mother-in-law came with me to the vet. (You may be wondering where Rusty is. He is currently working up in Wyoming/Montana this week and won't be home until next week). But Keifer had already passed away by the time we made it the Vet. He apparently had a heart aneurism and died in less than a hour of getting sick. It was sad but I am glad that he went quickly and that Rusty and Blake didn't have to see him sick and can just remember him as the fun, beautiful, full of personality cat that he was. Blake and I joked this morning that Keifer was up with God a young cat just running around outside and having fun. Bye, Keifer.

Miscommunication

Please refer to previous blog. I meant that I had NO depression. Not that I was depressed :) OOPS :)

Hello Thirties

Well I am officially no longer in my twenties. I manages to get through my thirtieth birthday with depression in regards to getting on year older. I am not together surprised b/c I haven't had difficulty with any other age. But I did get to thinking about what happened in the last 10 years and it seems like forever ago since I turned twenty. I remember how happy I was not to be in my teens anymore. The rest of my twenties are slightly a blur and I can't remember much of what I did during that time. There was a lot that changed during that time however. I moved a ton of times, had several different jobs, lots of family changes, went to graduate school, started a career, got married, and grew leaps and bounds in the Lord. I am thoroughly convinced that the twenties are for self discovery and are jammed packed full of changes. I have enjoyed my twenties but I think that I am ready for my thirties. It just makes you wonder what in the world is going to happen in the next 10 years ?!!!

Camping Trip

Rusty, Blake and I went for a five day camping trip to the area around Lake City. We had a good time fishing, hiking, hanging out with family, and watching the fire works. Rusty's aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin's friends, and dad came up a few days after us and we had a good time. Blake was a trooper and was so proud that we went for five days. It was time for us to go home on the fifth day however. Blake was having more melt downs and fantom stomach pains and it was reported that the rain set in. We took our two dogs who managed to run off a few times but always found their way home. We had only had the one dog for about a week and she had a harder time with following directions than Tanner. Blake informed me when we got home that we didn't have to poop in a hole anymore. That is when you know you really went camping :) I am still amazed at the amount of laundry after camping b/c you have to wash the clothes that weren't worn b/c they still got dirty. I think this will probably become a family tradition. Time will tell.

New Addition

We have a new addition to our family. It is a one year old lab mix dog named Cloe. We had some friends that didn't want her anymore due to not being able to spend enough time with her to train her. She is much smaller than Tanner (thank goodness) but it is a house full with two dogs and a cat. Rusty is very excited to have two bird dogs and Cloe is learning fast the rules of the house and learning how to heel on her leash. It should be an adventure, we are taking Blake and the two dogs camping for five days. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way anyone, how do you post pictures in your blog? I am not the most technilogically inclined :)

Road Trips/Birthday parties

We made it to go see my grandpa in Arizona. It was a lot of driving through a lot of nothingness. That is the desert for you. We drove down there on Friday and got in around 6 PM. Left his house with my dad at 5 AM to drive to Phoenix to get my grandpa's fifth wheel. We got into Phoenix around 8 AM and then left at around 10 AM. The temp was at 105 when we were heading out. We got back to St John's at around 3 PM and then were back on the road at 5:30 AM and got back to Montrose at around 12 PM. Lots of road time, but it sure was nice to get back in Colorado with all the green and the cool, fresh air of the mountains. It was refreshing. Then at 3 PM we had our niece's first birthday party with lots of people, kids and presents. She got all kinds of presents but I was so excited when she was the most interested in the book that she got from us. I wanted to say "see all is not lost with our youth." What was sad was that was the only book. But she got a lot of the Leap Frog stuff that makes noises and has lights and is educational. So, not terrible. It was a busy weekend which made for a rough Monday morning :)